Hey Divorce Lawyers – You’re About To Get Fired!

by Christina Pesoli

You make her list of worries longer. When she doesn’t know what’s going on with you, that actually adds more items to the already long list of things she loses sleep over. In addition to tossing and turning over her life being turned upside down, she now has to worry about whether you’re lazy, or unorganized, or forgetful, or too busy, or disinterested, or undependable, or unethical. She has to questions if her trust in you was misplaced. She second-guesses whether she’s picked the right lawyer. She wonders if it’s too late to fire you and hire someone else.

Not to start out on the defensive here, but often the good work divorce lawyers do for their clients is confusing and thus feels wrong. Clients understandably interpret that uneasy feeling as a symptom of bad representation.

So while I am often surprised by how “ungrateful” clients are for the “obviously” good work I do, it’s my responsibility to help every client learn: 1) the difference between truly good and truly bad lawyer work; and 2) the limits of what an attorney can do under the best of circumstances, so that the client cannot only recognize good lawyer work, but appreciate it.

Because the legal system is so counterintuitive (even when it works well) and so dysfunctional, I owe it to my clients to educate them far more thoroughly than I have, or they’ll naturally remain confused, anxious, and resentful.

Here’s an exercise that will give you insight into how to treat her: Put your massive ego to one side for a minute and walk a mile in her shoes. Imagine that you’re going through the scariest time of your entire life and that everything that matters to you hangs in the balance. Next, imagine that you’ve hired a super-duper expensive person to pilot you through the terrifying and confusing legal process that you have no choice but to go through. Then, the next time you communicate with your client, treat her the way you’d want to be treated if you were in that exact same position.

I don’t have the space to explain it fully here, but briefly: the way we intuitively believe and perceive divorce law should work is rarely the way it does work.  Some of this misperception is based upon a genuine ignorance of solid legal principles, but most of your ignorance of our legal system stems from naïve and misplaced trust in a system that does not work and, unfortunately, is getting worse. Knowing the difference is key.

The plain, disgusting, discouraging truth is that even the best lawyers can’t consistently get fair and reasonable outcomes for deserving people in divorce.  Most divorce lawyers won’t acknowledge this because they either prefer to exploit client ignorance or they are terrified to admit to their clients just how hard it is to get real justice from our defective legal system.

The problem is this: She doesn’t know her question is no big deal. If she did, she wouldn’t have asked it. She also doesn’t know that the reason you didn’t call her is that you were so busy with other, bigger fires that you honestly could not come up for air. And she sure as heck doesn’t know that you plan to call her as soon as you get out of that hearing tomorrow afternoon. You know why she doesn’t know any of these things? Because you never bothered to tell her. All she knows is you didn’t call like you said you would, and it’s anybody’s guess when she’ll hear from you again. And she’s left to wonder what else about her case you’re ignoring.

If your attorney does not return your email or phone calls within 24 hours or less, I can promise you that you are in for many other kinds of disappointment.  Do not hope or wait for things to get better; fire that attorney and replace him or her with a responsive attorney immediately.  One of the most important marks of an overall excellent attorney is how responsive he/she is to his client.

I’m embarrassed at how hypocritical I am sometimes; there are days when I just want to focus on getting work done, not answering the questions of worried or confused clients.  And yet I get annoyed when I call a client at the office who tells me he or she can’t talk until after work.  Too quickly I misjudge clients coping with extreme demands on their time and their emotions as flaky.  I’m sorry.  I know better, I’ll do a better job to remember.

Forgive me for tooting my horn a bit here, but I would rather lose a potential client who trusts me than obtain a client and that client’s money by playing on fears and/or selling false hope.  Whether you know it or not, when you’re going through a divorce you are highly gullible.  Check yourself.  Don’t let hurt, fear, vengeance, and greed cloud your judgment.

What you don’t get is this: The projects you drop on her without even thinking are actually much harder than anything that you have to routinely do for you job. You know why? Because to her, they’re not routine. This is not her job; it’s her personal life. Surprise divorce assignments at a time like this can completely derail her. If she has her kids, the assignment will cause her to be too preoccupied and stressed out to fully be with them. If she doesn’t have her kids, she’ll be too busy obsessing over the daunting last-minute assignment to relax. Either way, you’ve detonated a bomb that’s totally ruined her weekend. And she’s paying big money for that treatment.

You berate her if she misses a deadline. From her perspective, deadlines don’t seem to mean much to you. You blow off calling her when you say you will. Court dates and various deadlines routinely get moved around — often without checking with her, and sometimes even without telling her until the very last minute. But if she fails to get you something when you ask for it — like discovery responses, for example — you treat her like a she’s a complete screw up. You drone on and on about how her irresponsible behavior is jeopardizing the outcome of her case.

Divorce law is very much time-sensitive and deadline driven. Take deadlines seriously.  You could lose an important argument you otherwise would have won but for your failure to file documents with the court by a given deadline.

So while attorneys who make last-minute requests are annoying (I’m not one of them, by the way), I’m not going to fall all over myself too much in apologizing for those attorneys because frankly no matter how much advance warning they get, most clients procrastinate.

Still, I am amazed at the number of lawyers who don’t even try to give their clients advance notice.  Most divorce hearings in Utah are scheduled at least 28 days in advance.  If your lawyer is telling you about a hearing three days in advance, your attorney is fatally disorganized and incompetent.

That stated, if your lawyer is good about giving you as much advanced notice as possible, do yourself and your lawyer a huge favor by using all of that time to analyze, organize, and prepare as best you can.  You bear responsibility for the consequences of dumping everything on your lawyer at the last minute.  I know it’s hard enough to manage all the demands on you without the added pressure of divorce, but procrastinating only makes matters worse.  Help your attorney help you by making sure you understand each other’s schedules and accommodate them.

But here’s the deal: This may be the millionth time for you, but it’s not the millionth time for your client. This isn’t just another divorce. This is her divorce. So if you can’t be sympathetic and supportive while you charge her however many hundreds of dollars an hour to represent her, then it’s time for you to find another job — and preferably one that doesn’t require you to be both a decent human being and a competent lawyer. I hear lobbying firms might be looking for your type. Your client may even be willing to write you a recommendation letter — but don’t drop that request on her at the last minute. She’s got a lot on her mind right now.

And so a lot of lawyers, in an effort to have their cake and eat it too subscribe to, “The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.”

A good lawyer cannot be a good lawyer without giving his clients tough love, so be prepared for a lot of bad news; good lawyers care enough to be honest with you.  But if dealing with your divorce lawyer makes you more miserable than going through the divorce itself, AND if you are a reasonable person, you can probably do better.  Don’t fall prey to “better the devil you know” thinking when it comes to who your lawyer is.

I’m nothing if not honest, even brutally honest (which can come across as ludicrously honest since I’m a lawyer).  Unless I come right out and tell you I’m exaggerating, however, don’t presume that I am exaggerating.  So if what you are about to read offends you, know that that is not my intent.

I’ve tried to deny it, but I can’t deny it and be honest at the same time:  a significant number of divorces occur because one or both of the parties is mentally and/or emotionally unstable.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying that anyone and everyone who gets divorced is mentally/emotionally unstable.  Nor am I saying that one of the two spouses in a divorce action is nuts.  I’m going to tell you what most attorneys know but are too afraid to share, and that is that many a divorcing person is his/her worst enemy.

Candidly, I am not the most naturally empathetic person, but I’m not without feelings.  Still, it’s quickly apparent quickly with some of my divorce clients that divorce was inevitable.

So before (or possibly around the same time) you make an appointment to speak with a divorce lawyer, I ask you to do something scary and even potentially humiliating:  schedule a session with a therapist.  Find out if there are serious flaws in you psychologically that are making your marriage fail.  If you are wholly or partially the cause of the strain in your marriage, divorce won’t solve your problems, and may actually worsen them.