Is it unhealthy for a husband and wife NOT to fight?

First, we need to define what “fight” means.

If we define “fight” as arguing, no, I don’t think it’s unhealthy for couples to argue. Again, if by “argue” we mean using language that would make a sailor blush, that’s unacceptable, but having differences of opinion that we debate—even heatedly debate—is part of learning to live together, not just as spouses, but as friends, neighbors, co-workers, and fellow citizens.

If by “fight” we mean serious physical violence, yes, it is unhealthy for a husband and wife to “fight”.

In my personal opinion, if a wife gives her husband a little slap after discovering he’s sneaking porn or after discovering he made a major purchase without her knowledge and consent, that’s not the most mature thing for her to do, but it shouldn’t be considered “domestic violence” in my book. Neither should it be deemed domestic violence for a husband to hold his wife by the shoulders for a moment while he’s angry and trying to make a point. Again, not the best thing for him to do, but not “domestic violence” for crying out loud.

NOTE: in my jurisdiction (as I would imagine in the case in most), any kind of physical altercation (even in self defense) between a husband and wife runs the risk of being deemed domestic violence and subjecting the participant(s) to criminal prosecution. It’s crazy, but that is the state of the law currently.

Some loving, devoted couples are more physical than others. They express themselves physically. They mean no harm in doing so. They do no real harm in doing so. They shouldn’t be lumped in with the couples who are wacking each other over the head with bottles and 2x4s. A zero-tolerance policy of mild/minor fighting is silly and unrealistic. Yes, I realize that in today’s political culture it’s heresy for me to state such a thing, but there are plenty of couples who agree with me and are just too afraid to say so publicly.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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