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Will Having a Child Will Possibly Save Your Marriage? By Braxton Mounteer, Legal Assistant

Have you ever heard that having a child will fix certain problems in marriage? That it will help bring a couple in a strained marriage closer together and thus fix, or facilitate fixing, the problems that you have in your relationship with your spouse?

Probably not, in my view.

But why? Wouldn’t it be safe to assume that the person you married would reorganize his/her priorities in order to love and support the new addition to your family?

I don’t think so.

I have never seen a baby magically fix relationship troubles. I have, however, seen already fragile relationships snap under the added weight of having a child.

The decision to have a child is something deeply personal on an individual and a relationship level. Each person has his/her own wants, desires, fears, and worries surrounding the birth of a child. Having a child also puts strain on a relationship from recovery after the birth to the reorganization of responsibilities in the relationship. Your relationship is fundamentally different once you have a child.

If your relationship is already as rocky as a cliffside coastline, the stress of having a child will likely do nothing but add to its difficulties. Your relationship problems existed before your child was born and will likely exist after that child’s birth. I won’t discount the exhilaration you and your spouse may feel at the prospect of a pregnancy and a future child’s birth. I’ll even concede that some people’s marital problems ease when they welcome a child into their family, but they are the exception, not the rule. If having children made marriages easier or stronger or more pleasant, a lot more children wouldn’t experience their parents’ divorce.

As a child of divorce, I can say with certainty that a child should not have to go through the emotional turmoil of his or her parents getting divorced before they even finish kindergarten.

And how do you think a child would feel if he or she learned that the reason that he/she exists was to be a band aid for a sinking ship? And if those parents later (or sooner) divorce, can you see how a child in that situation might also blame himself/herself for his/her parents’ divorce?

You don’t invite another passenger into a ship that is already sinking. An already weak marriage doesn’t need two sleep deprived, anxious people who aren’t ready to be parents (because they’re struggling at just being spouses at the moment).

Now just as having a child does not save a struggling marriage, circumstances are never ideal to start a family (though having children when you’re young is better than waiting until the biological clock has almost wound down). Don’t put off having children until your relationship is perfect—if you do that, you’ll never have children. Just don’t expect having a child to save a struggling marriage. It isn’t fair to your child, or you or your spouse.

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277

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