BLANK

Should You Stay Friends with Your Former Spouse? By Braxton Mounteer

Whether you should be or try to be friends with your spouse after a divorce is a tough question to answer. Many divorced people continue to care about each other after divorce. Some even find their personal relationship between each other improves. Most maintain an icy distance from each other. I won’t say that being truly friendly can’t be accomplished after divorce, but the question really is: should it?

If you have children, at the very least you must maintain a respectful relationship with the children’s co-parent (even if you have to fake it, in my opinion). Just because you and your former spouse have differences does not mean that your children must share in those differences. Maintaining a co-parenting relationship that doesn’t burden the children is in their best interest. They deserve it. It’s the least you can do for them.

Side note here: I know there are those of you reading this who were innocent victims of a spiteful spouse in your divorce. That you were the class act all along and continue to be, while your ex-spouse remains antagonistic toward you. I know about those of you treat your ex-spouse by Golden Rule post-divorce, while your ex-spouse does not reciprocate. As a legal assistant, I see the ex-spouses who hypocritically hold you to a standard they themselves do not follow. This is not fair, not even close, but for the sake of your children’s well-being, you need to know that sinking to the same level as your petty, spiteful, even malicious ex-spouse would benefit no one and only make life harder for the kids. Doing the right thing matters most when doing the right thing is hard.

Sometimes it may be unavoidable to have some kind of continuing relationship with your ex-spouse. Are you coworkers? Do you have mutual friends or engage in the same activities that neither of you is willing to give up? If so, you must determine mutual friends and activities are worth making the effort to get along with your ex-spouse. If they aren’t, you can’t complain about having to give those things up for the sake of achieving your goal of having nothing to do with your ex-spouse post-divorce.

We have all heard a story of an “ ugly divorce”. Most people burn whatever bridge that they had or may have had with their spouses over the course of that process.

The fact is that the right thing to do, if only for your own sake and without consideration for your ex-spouse, is to recognize your own failings that contributed to the failed marriage (and don’t misunderstand me; if you’re not at fault, you’re under no obligation to apologize falsely) and to forgive your ex for his or her faults and the hurt he or she caused you, so that you can put your troubled past behind you as best you can as you move on with life after divorce. “Hate is a poison more deadly to the hater than the hated.” If all you can do is make peace with the pre-divorce past, that’s invaluable. If you can do one better and bury the hatchet, becoming friends, though no longer spouses, don’t let your pride stand in the way of that. If you do, you’ll regret it.

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Click to listen highlighted text!