In response to this question, “Have you ever thought someone was making a mistake by getting a divorce?,” I stated (and I summarize here) some people need to divorce. It’s good that the option for divorce exists for their protection, but those who think divorce is the solution to their problem(s) are sadly mistaken. For these people divorce does not solve any problem and just creates a host of new problems.
Recently, someone left a comment on my answer stating that taking the position that most dating and marriage partnerships should stay together consigns both spouses to misery for no reason. Instead, she argued, we need to change divorce culture so that divorce isn’t seen as a failure automatically leading to bitter feuding. It can be, she concluded, a great source of growth for both people, if we just treat it as the next chapter of our lives.
I’ve never claimed that most dating and marriage partnerships should stay together. Some relationships (dating and marriage alike) are so dangerous and/or toxic that they need to end and end without delay. But comparing dating to marriage is a false equivalence.
Besides, for most people, the purpose of dating is finding someone you want as a spouse and who wants you as a spouse, so that you can form a family together.
Ending a dating relationship can be at least disappointing at worst and painful (even extremely painful), but the level of commitment in a dating relationship is nowhere near (or at least should be nowhere near) the level of commitment in a marriage (especially once children are born and become a part of the family).
People who marry should do so (and most do so) with the intent that marriage and family are not only a life-long commitment, but the most important commitment of their lives. When a spouse betrays that commitment, the consequences are much graver than when two people stop dating.
Divorce also involves having to divide a household and custody of children. At least one spouse loses his/her home. Assets and personal property get divided. Plans for “growing old together” in retirement are usually blown to smithereens, and both spouses have to re-adjust, usually by having to work many years longer than they originally planned to make up for the financial hit divorce causes. Spouses who were financially dependent on their spouses, now find themselves having to enter the workforce after years-long absences from the workforce making a meager income to get by. Kids are devastated by their parents’ divorce, and so the parents find themselves having to deal with that crisis on top of their own individual personal crises their going through at the same time.
The family is the necessary, indispensable foundation of a peaceful, prosperous society. We don’t make people happier by discouraging marriage or making divorce too easy to get.
Those whose marriages aren’t plagued by violence or mental or emotional cruelty, but who believe divorce is the solution to their problem(s) are sadly mistaken. For these people divorce does not solve any problem and just creates a host of new problems.
Most people who divorce not only didn’t need to, it was the worst thing they could have done to themselves and their family. If they would work on bettering themselves (both of them trying to be the kind of spouse they want and need) and then turn their attention to bettering the marriage, most marriages could be happy and fulfilling ones. Not perfect ones (there is no such thing), but happy, worthwhile marriages. This takes effort and sacrifice, and patience and trial and error, but the results are still better than a needless divorce.
The idea that we can make divorce easier on people by acting as though “it’s not a failure” on some many levels and to such a great degree cannot change the reality of the situation. To suggest that we “change divorce culture” to be seen as “a great source of growth” for the divorcing spouses would not only grossly cheapen marriage, it would be perpetrating a cruel, destructive fraud on both individuals and society at large.
My answer comes from the perspective of a divorce lawyer who’s been in practice for 26 years. Note that I believe in marriage. Although I am a divorce lawyer myself, I am not divorced, and God willing, I never will be. I would like nothing better than for everyone to be so happily married that I need to find another line of work. I support and advocate for marriage. And under the right circumstances, I believe in remarriage. While there are plenty of fun, satisfying, and fulfilling things one can and should do as an unmarried person, my life would be comparatively empty without my wife, my children, and the incomparable joys of being a husband and father. For all the people who tell you how glad they are to be unmarried and childless, few really mean it.
If you found your first marriage to be difficult, the odds are that a second marriage will be harder than your first. This is not always the case, but it usually is. This is not to say that if your first marriage failed you should not want or try to remarry to seek and enjoy the blessings of marriage for yourself and to be a blessing to your spouse. If, however, you caused your first divorce or even struggled in your first marriage because of your own demons, you’ve likely got some serious character and personality flaws to correct before you can remarry successfully. Resolving your personal issues and correcting course not insurmountable, but it is unavoidable, if you want a second marriage to work. But take heart: it can be done, it’s worth doing.
I was once asked what I believe the three main causes of divorce are. I answered that question with this: While there are many reasons one may need or feel the need to divorce, the “top 3” reasons are, in my experience: 1. Broken trust (whether that is caused by infidelity or hiding a substance abuse problem or failing to “pull one’s own weight” in the marriage relationship, etc.); 2. Placing self-interest ahead of fostering the marriage partnership (which usually takes the form of expecting your spouse to be perfect and to be solely or primarily responsible for your happiness); and 3. Immaturity and/or some kind of mental health disorder.
Thus, while nobody can ensure a marriage never ends in divorce it is crucial to your marriage (whether it’s your first or second) that you and your spouse be and want to be trustworthy, be devoted, be responsible, be sober, and that you care and want to for your individual and your spouse’s mental and physical health. If you or your prospective spouse feel that’s asking too much, don’t marry for the second (or even for the first) time.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
First, some marriages need to end in divorce. That is why divorce exists. But divorce is not always the answer when one or both spouses is/are miserable. Far too many divorces are not only unnecessary, but take things from bad to worse. For those marriages that need not end in divorce, teach and exemplify:
belief in God;
trust—humbly—in God;
that God’s plan for His children includes marriage and family (so He will help you when you and your spouse turn to Him for guidance and strength to overcome);
love for and service to God;
Loving and serving God leads us to loving and serving others (especially your spouse and children). Loving and serving others leads us to love and to serve God. You cannot sustainably have one without the other;
Go to church together and with your children. Associate with other families and learn from and support each other. It’s soothing and encouraging to see you’re not alone in the struggles couples and families face. It’s good to have others in your community to whom you can turn for support in good times and bad.
mercy and forgiveness for human faults and frailties;
Don’t demand perfection from your spouse or yourself—that’s impossible—but strive to be your best. Don’t exploit your spouse.
This does not mean that wrongs go unpunished and unrestituted, but it does mean that “the punishment fit the crime,” as the saying goes;
Marriage and family is a major purpose of our lives—it’s part of God’s plan for each of us;
Marry because you want “us” to be happy, supported, and fulfilled together. If you marry merely for “what’s in it for me,” you’re not ready or worthy to marry;
Being equals in marriage does not mean that you and your spouse are the same in every respect. Accept it. Adapt to it. Celebrate it. Don’t forget it.
Be honest in your dealings with your spouse and worthy of trust.
Accept that certain aspects of a good married life and of single life are incompatible, so those aspects of single life must be left behind and replaced to serve your role as a spouse and parent;
Accept the bitter aspects of married and family life with the sweet;
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed.” — Gordon B. Hinckley
Learn to make the compromises in your habits and lifestyle that marriage requires.
Don’t die on the hill of whose responsibility it is to take out the trash, whether “breakfast for dinner” is untenable, etc. Go to movies and restaurants you don’t like sometimes, if going is something your spouse enjoys (he/she needs to make the same accommodations for you too).
It will seem as though you are “making sacrifices” when in reality you are continuing to grow and mature as a person. You are developing dormant talents and new skills that a successful marriage needs to thrive.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Few rational, intelligent, thinking people would argue that a divorce rate hovering around 50% is not too high.
Society suffers from a high divorce rate and the broken families that result.
Children suffer from a high divorce rate. Higher rates of mental illness, self-harm, reckless behavior, juvenile delinquency and crime, struggles with substance abuse and an inability to form intimate relationships themselves as adults.
Spouses suffer from a high divorce rate. They suffer higher rates of depression and other mental and emotional pathologies, and divorce is financially devastating to most.
While nobody would deny that some marriages that constitute a danger to one’s safety need to end, many people who divorce find themselves far more miserable than they were when they door divorced, and realize that the solution wasn’t ending the marriage, but working to repair and improve it. Given that everyone has a stake in strong nuclear families, it is everyone’s to everyone’s benefit and it is everyone’s responsibility to support strong healthy families.
Society (from local communities to the municipal, state, and federal governments) needs to support strong healthy nuclear families for the sake of the strength survival of society. That doesn’t mean that a government must impose numerous rules and regulations in ostensible support of families, subsidize families financially, or treat family members better than other members of society, but it does mean that government needs to ensure its policies, rules, and regulations do not discourage or destroying strong, stable, healthy families. An ordered and prosperous society depends upon the smallest unit of society, i.e., the family as its foundation.
When families are strong, stable and healthy, that means that each member of the family is as strong, stable, and healthy as he or she would likely ever be. Such families reduce crime rates, foster prosperity, and are less of a drain on welfare benefits and other governmental resources. It is popular in modern Western societies now for many people to believe it is not only acceptable, but even admirable, not to marry and have children with one’s spouse. Nothing could be further from the truth. People need people. So the answer to your question is clear: it is to everyone’s benefit–from the individual all the way up to society at large–to support strong, stable, and healthy families, and it is thus everyone’s responsibility to ensure divorce occurs only as necessary.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Why are so many attorneys seemingly against legal separation? I truly feel in my circumstance its best for me/us. Is it because they wont make as much money? We have already started the divorce process. Can it be switched?
I can’t speak for all divorce attorneys, and I am not an attorney licensed to practice law in Illinois (I practice divorce and family law in Utah), but I can tell you why I personally don’t like going the temporary separation route.
Too many people divorce needlessly. Too many people divorce only to discover that their spouses and marriages weren’t their problem and/or that divorce wasn’t the solution. I support desires and efforts to save marriage. While legal separation may sound to some like a good way to “get some space” to contemplate whether one should stay married or should divorce, I’ve found that:
□ legal separation tends to damage a marriage far more than fostering its survival; and
□ by the time one wants a legal separation, he or she really wants a divorce and is only postponing divorce out of fear or laziness or for the sake of appeasing the other spouse or “letter him/her down easy”.
While I am sure there are people out there whose legal separation proved that “absence makes the hear grow fonder” and helped them “wake up” and realize that their marriage is worth saving, I know no such people.
If I recall correctly, I’ve seen one legal separation end with the couple later reconciling. In every other legal separation situation, the couple has eventually divorced. So you can see where this is going: why go to the additional trouble, expense, and emotional ordeal of obtaining a legal separation order if you’re going to end up divorcing anyway and having to go through more of the same kind of effort, wait, expense, and pain again?
I understand the desire to give the marriage every last reasonable opportunity to survive. I understand the desire to take every reasonable effort to save it. But at the same time, I don’t see the point in pouring time, effort, care, and money into what is for most a hopeless cause. **That stated,** I would much rather “waste” time, effort, care, and money on taking every reasonable effort to save my marriage if it meant having the peace of mind that I gave saving my marriage everything I could in an effort to save it before deciding that it was not worth saving or that I alone could not save it and concluding that divorce was the only remaining option.
Are there divorce lawyers who discourage legal separation because they make (or believe they make) less money working on a legal separation instead of a divorce? I’m sure there are. But not all of us are out to take the client for all he or she is worth (you’d be wise to ensure you don’t hire a greedy lawyer, but there are some among us who are decent, caring, trustworthy professionals worth seeking out). In my experience, if one wants to do all he or she can to save his or her marriage, then working to improve yourself as a spouse, making changes in your family environment, and giving your best efforts to some good marriage counseling are certainly worthwhile. Legal separation rarely, if ever, helps improve a marriage. It tends to weaken and destroy a marriage.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Clearly, acting in haste is risky behavior in any situation. Deciding to divorce is no exception. Rushing into divorce could result in an unnecessary divorce. Rushing into divorce could show your hand too early and result in losing on certain issues on which you might otherwise have won had you just been more careful and contemplative before you acted.
Many people rush into divorce because they believe that it is better to act on the impulse rather than “chicken out”. There is, however, a clear difference between failing to act because of fear (that’s chickening out) and going off half-cocked.
Procrastination often does hurt people who would have benefited from filing for divorce sooner than later. Many people who can and should divorce do not divorce by allowing fear and uncertainty cloud their judgment. While you shouldn’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today, few people benefit from filing for divorce the moment they have the idea. There are so many advantages to preparing in advance that are lost or just not possible if you rush into a divorce without knowing your objectives and having a plan* in place first. The point is to take action when action is warranted. You won’t know that without first taking sufficient time to take stock of your situation, consider your options, weigh the pros and cons, and then act. Divorce is rarely a decision to take lightly.
One of the best ways to help you determine whether you should file for divorce, and whether you should file now or later, is to seek the opinions of professionals in the areas of family and law. Initial consultations with a good marriage and family therapist and a good divorce lawyer don’t cost a lot, and their value far outweighs the financial outlay. Find out if your marriage is salvageable and worth saving. Find out if the problem with your marriage and family is you. If you determine that divorce is what you need (as opposed to want) to do, talk to a good divorce lawyer about what you can expect to receive (and not receive) in a divorce, what the divorce laws are in your jurisdiction, and how the process works (they not what you think, I’ll guarantee you that).
Whenever you can, you should make an informed decision. Deciding to divorce is no exception.
—————-
* Bear in mind that while things rarely go according to plan, “In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower
“No plan of operations can with any certainty reach beyond the first encounter with the enemy.” – Helmet Von Moltke
Then why prepare plans when they rarely work out as imagined and hoped? Because planning still helps you, even when your plan is not a complete success or even when it is a total failure. Why? How? Planning and the resulting plans help you determine what matters to you most and what you are can do and are willing to do (or not do) to achieve those ends. Planning helps you think in both the short- and long-term about what choices you make and what their consequences could be to you. The more you know what really matters and what you really need and want, plans reflect that. So when circumstances change, your plans change not reactively but deliberately and correctly in the service of your goals.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Why do people complain about the high divorce rate, but don’t complain about people who shouldn’t marry?
There will never be an effective, morally acceptable way to prevent the following kinds of people from marrying (and thus reducing the divorce rate):
stupid people;
people suffering from mental, emotional, and/or personality disorders and disabilities who can’t or won’t treat their conditions successfully;
hopelessly romantic and/or naive people; and
shysters
But when people bemoan the high divorce rate, they aren’t referring to divorces that can’t be prevented, they are talking about the divorces that can and should be prevented, divorces that aren’t necessary or inevitable.
Far too many people who would and should benefit from saving their marriage (and who are more than capable of doing so) give up on it far too easily. They wind up regretting the divorce (as well they should). That’s a shame. That’s worth worrying and complaining about.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Every time you hear about divorce, what are the 3 main issues that lead to divorce these days?
I have been a divorce and family law attorney for 26 years. In that time I have spoken to thousands of people about divorce and their reasons for seeking a divorce. While there are many reasons one may need or feel the need to divorce, the “top 3” reasons are, in my experience:
Broken trust (whether that is caused by infidelity or hiding a substance abuse problem or failing to “pull one’s own weight” in the marriage relationship, etc.)
Placing self-interest ahead of fostering the marriage partnership (which usually takes the form of expecting your spouse to be perfect and to be solely or primarily responsible for your happiness)
Immaturity and/or some kind of mental health disorder
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
What do you think would be the rate of divorce in marriages if psychologists were to be consulted in court by couples before proceeding to see the lawyer for divorce?
Your intentions are good, your proposal won’t work.
Short answer: forcing people to consult a psychologist as a prerequisite to obtaining a divorce would A) likely cause no appreciable reduction in the divorce rate and B) would surely not justify the costs associated with it.
You appear to base your idea on several false assumptions:
First, that professionals are infallible. They are not. That includes psychologists. Merely consulting a psychologist does not mean you will get competent care or advice from any and all psychologists. And the purpose of psychologists isn’t to talk people in or out of anything anyway, so forcing people to speak with a psychologist with the goal of reducing divorce likely would present some ethical conflicts that would cause many psychologists to balk.
Second, that nary a professional (including psychologists) is motivated by self-interest. Plenty are. Some psychologists know that if they advocate for more psychologist involvement in the court systems, then that means more work for psychologists through the court systems. And so they do and say what they need to do and say to keep the work flowing, regardless of whether they feel that what they do and say is what is needed or warranted.
Third, that most divorces are due to mental illness or other mental or emotional pathologies or disorders. While many divorces can be traced to mental and/or emotional problems in one or both spouses, not every divorce can be. Thus, requiring everyone who files for divorce to consult a psychologist would be a waste of time, money, and resources.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
As a child with divorced parents, I find it hard to answer questions such as, “What is the importance of marriage?” How can I better understand the importance of marriage?
Being a divorced parent does make it harder to make a strong case for marriage. You are afraid to look hypocritical and not credible. Fortunately, you are not alone in your predicament.
Ex-con parents have the same problem when advising their children to obey the law. That doesn’t make the advice wrong.
Fat, out of shape parents have the same problem when advising their children to exercise and stay fit. That doesn’t make the advice wrong.
High school dropout parents have the same problem when advising their children to get a good education. That doesn’t make the advice wrong.
Although telling children to “do as I say, not as I do,” is a hard sell, there is an obvious silver lining to encouraging children to differently than you did: “Kid, you don’t need to end up like me. Learn from my example not to do as I did.” That’s authentic. That has real value. Vicarious learning is learning from the experience of others. Everyone can benefit from vicarious learning, whether it’s learning how to succeed by repeating what successful people do (and don’t do) or how to succeed by avoiding the mistakes and wrong decisions of those who failed.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives.
— Ginger Wynn.
What are your thoughts on this statement?
This statement tries to express a valid point, but it does so in a logically confused way.
The statement “I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives” falsely presumes that divorce will cure or prevent what makes a dysfunctional (or worse) marriage dysfunctional.
Sometimes a marriage is so toxic and harmful as to require termination. In such cases divorce is not only justified, but necessary.
Sometimes the trouble one or both spouses is suffering in a marriage can be remedied by divorce.
Sometimes the trouble a marriage is causing one or both spouses can be remedied by divorce.
But not always.
Sometimes the solution is “mend it, don’t end it”; more often than you’d think the cure for dysfunction and discord in a marriage is staying married and working on improving the marriage, not destroying it.
Far too often I see people divorce in the false belief that their spouses/their marriages are making them miserable only to learn, after the damage is done, that their spouses/their marriages are not the cause(s) of their troubles. They realize that divorcing only compounds their suffering. They consequently become even more miserable.
So here is what I submit is a more accurate statement: It is not bad to get a divorce when you truly have no better alternative.
Don’t divorce unless divorce you need to. Know that “mend it, don’t end it” is not the answer before you seek a divorce.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Why do people get married only to divorce a few years later? Doesn’t really sound like love to me.
With the exception of those divorces that take place shortly after a marriage due to abuse, mental illness, fraud, and those kinds of things OR a divorce for which there are common law or statutory grounds (adultery, impotency of the respondent at the time of marriage, willful desertion, willful neglect, habitual drunkenness of the respondent, conviction of the respondent for a felony, irreconcilable differences of the marriage, incurable insanity), a divorce after a just a few years of marriage between two otherwise normal people is usually due (in no particular order) to:
realizing the marriage was a mistake, that it’s a genuinely good idea and mutually beneficial to both spouses to end the marriage and a bad idea to spend any more time or effort trying to salvage it; or
selfishness and/or fear or shame; something that renders one to feel unworthy or unwilling to commit to the success of the marriage and family
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
What is the one thing that would help decrease divorce in the United States?
I honestly think that commitment to marriage as more than a legal institution would lead to less divorce. As society has begun to view marriage as merely a legal construct, we have begun to value marriage less and less. As we decrease the value of marriage we also decrease the importance of family. One peculiar instance of this phenomenon in action is the morals behind two recent Disney movies, Turning Red and Encanto (before I go further, I will say that I liked one of these movies and did not like the other one). Each of these movies tells the story of a girl growing up in a highly structured culture in her family. Each movie seeks to deconstruct the family culture the main character is born into, and each of them champion the value of overcoming family tradition and culture to “truly be oneself”. The interesting thing about each of these movies is the idea that the individual is more important than the family unit. Now, to be clear, there are family dynamics that are unhealthy that need to be fixed, but the hyper focus on the individual clearly undermines the necessity of sacrifice inherent in marriage and family relationships. We do give up part of ourselves in order to be one with others, and that is not always a bad thing. Spencer Kimball put it so well: “In serving others, we ‘find’ ourselves in terms of acknowledging divine guidance in our lives. Furthermore, the more we serve our fellowmen . . . the more substance there is to our souls. [I]ndeed, it is easier to “find” ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!” Placing the needs and success of the family ahead of our own is, one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Healthier and happier marriages make healthier and happier individuals. And healthier, happier people make up the best families. Not to put to fine a point on it: you need a family, and your family needs you.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Is the percentage of married people getting a divorce still about 50%, or is it now higher?
It’s actually a bit less than 50% currently and for the past few years. This is likely not because fewer people are divorcing as it is because fewer people are marrying in the first place.
Addendum: I’ve seen claims that the COVID-19 pandemic has caused a spike in divorce filings. That makes sense, but I haven’t seen it personally. That may be due to the bulk of the spike consisting of divorcing couples handling their divorces without a lawyer. I don’t know, but that makes sense too.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
How do I stop being afraid of divorcing? I’m so scared. I’ve been a stay-at-home mother for 18 years. I have health issues. I don’t know if I can provide for myself.
Good on you for asking the question before you decide whether to jump into the deep end of divorce with both feet. Divorcing without having any idea whether it will do you and your family more harm than good rarely ends well.
Most urgent question: If I stay married, does that put my life at risk, i.e., am I at serious risk of my spouse maiming or killing me? If the answer is yes, then you need to run, not walk, away now, get to safety from being killed, and worry about divorce and the aftermath later. No marriage is worth staying in, no spouse worth staying with, if your spouse is murderously violent. Even if leaving your spouse leaves you penniless at the moment, you can overcome that problem. It is not worth risking your life for material comforts.
If your dysfunctional life/marriage is not life-threatening: then the answer to your question is, as a matter of fact, easy to find. The difficulty lies not in finding the answer, but summoning the courage and the will to act in accordance with the answer.
How to analyze your situation. Here is a simple but highly clear and effective way to analyze your question to get to the answer used by Ben Carson. Dr. Carson is the former U.S. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development and before that was one of the best neurosurgeons in the world. Before that, he grew up without a poor black child in the care of a mentally ill mother. He knows a little bit about problems and how to tackle them successfully. One of the ways to identify and choose acceptable risks is to ask yourself four questions, or do what Dr. Carson calls a Best/Worst Analysis (B/WA):
What is the best thing that can happen if I do this?
What is the worst thing that can happen if I do this?
What is the best thing that can happen if I don’t do it?
What is the worst thing that can happen if I don’t do it?
Ask and answer key questions. Here are some (some, not all) of the questions you should ask in conducting your best/worst assessment:
The question of why. Why am I contemplating divorce? Divorcing for the wrong reason(s) will almost surely result in divorce doing you (and your spouse and children) wrong.
It’s not just good to ask why, it’s crucial. Undertaking anything without knowing why you are doing it (and whether you should) results in poor, haphazard preparation and planning, wasted time, effort, and money, unnecessary fear, and doubt, and flagging focus and motivation. “If you know the why, you can live any how.“ (Friedrich Nietzsche)
A key “why” question: Am I hoping to “escape”? Let me explain what I mean. Taking pain pills to treat pain to help you heal better or faster from an illness or injury is good. Taking pain pills in an effort to escape the burdens of life only makes things (a lot) worse.
If you see divorce or marriage as a means of escaping personal unhappiness, guilt, fear, weaknesses, etc., then you are thinking about divorce and marriage wrong. If you are broken and marriage or divorce is a necessary step you need to take toward repairing yourself, then you’re on the right track. But staying married or divorcing to avoid responsibility for yourself and your demons will only result in 1) your personal weaknesses and their consequences getting worse, and 2) causing your spouse and children unnecessary and unfair collateral damage.
If you determine that divorce is an escape, research and find a good therapist or counselor to help you identify the real problems, the root of the problems, and what is needed to solve the problems. Taking that first step is, fortunately, easy. Once you’ve found someone competent, it really is as simple as making and keeping an appointment. The therapy itself will be as messy and upsetting as it is curative and restorative, but it is worth it. It is.
Is it a question of can’t or won’t?: If you honestly conclude that you need to divorce, are you afraid to divorce because you can’t take care of yourself or because you don’t want to take care of yourself? If you can’t take care of yourself, divorce may not be practical (trading the misery of unhappy marriage for the misery of poverty just exchanges one form or misery for another). If you can take care of yourself, perhaps you are not afraid of whether you can make it on your own but afraid to go back to work and/or live a reduced lifestyle.
If you can, and you are willing to do the work required, then figure out what is needed to achieve an single, independent, post-divorce life and the best way(s) to do so.
Bare minimum you need to have in place to be an independent adult:
church or other support system to help you get started and to guide you and encourage you (and remember: contribute as much or more than you “withdraw”; if your church gives you money or helps with groceries, then “pay it back” by volunteering, teach Sunday school, babysit your fellow parishioners’ kids sometimes, clean the chapel, help the pastor, visit the sick, etc. It will not only help keep your support system strong, it will help you be happier too, and you won’t feel like a moocher because you won’t be a moocher)
a job or jobs that generate sufficient income to support your needs.
budget
shelter you can afford (with essential utilities and furnishings)
food you can afford
clothing you can afford
bank or credit union account
phone and phone plan
health insurance
driver’s license (even if you don’t yet own a car; you may be called upon to drive or rent a car sometimes)
tool kit
friend
hobby (start with a library card)
emergency (rainy day) fund
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
What are the most empirically robust (causal) factors that predict marital dissolution (divorce)?
I can give you my guess as to what I believe a rigorous study would reveal based upon my experience as a divorce and family lawyer for the past 25 years. I understand that this is anecdotal evidence, but here’s what I believe, based upon that anecdotal evidence, the empirical evidence would be.
Now I realize that what you may be asking is what kind of external influences and/or what kind of behaviors may be predictors of divorce. The Freakonomics kind of stuff where someone notices people with library cards are more or less likely to divorce than those who don’t (no, this is not a fact, I’m just using this is an illustrative example of the kind of interesting factoids some people like to find). I don’t have any such observations. But I believe I’ve been practicing divorce and family law long enough to know what causes divorce.
#1 is a tie:
#1. Mental and/or emotional pathology that goes untreated, unchecked, unmanaged, uncontrolled. These are what lead to physical and emotional abuse, substance abuse, other addictive behaviors, self-harm/suicide attempt, infidelity, and many other things we often believe to be the cause of divorce when they are really symptomatic of the root cause.
#1. Lack of commitment to the marriage. Both individual lack of commitment and a lack of mutual commitment. Successful marriages understand that while individual needs are important, the marriage and family is a cause bigger than each individual spouse. So many fail to understand that devoting yourself to the care and success of your marriage and family makes you a happier individual. Obviously, if and when your spouse is a dysfunctional, toxic, or abusive person, no amount of your individual devotion to the marriage and family can fix that. But two normal spouses of average physical, mental, and emotional health can achieve greater personal happiness and fulfillment by making the welfare of their marriage and family a priority.
#2. Selfishness. Particularly, the belief that a spouse exists to serve one’s interests, and that if the spouse does not satisfy that subjective standard, then divorce is warranted, perhaps even seen as necessary, in the minds of some people.
#2(a). Being unequally yoked. This doesn’t mean that both spouses have to do everything a marriage requires in equal measures. It does mean that each one needs to pull his or her own weight, needs to fulfill his and her duties to himself/herself and to each other to ensure the integrity and longevity of the marriage.
#3. Myopia, impatience, inability to delay gratification, unrealistic expectations. I see many divorces early in a marriage because one or both spouses are shocked to discover that marriage has not fulfilled all of their hopes and dreams within the first few years.
#4. Letting the cares of the world deplete your capacity to recognize, value, and do what matters most. I’ve seen many a marriage breakdown when too much emphasis is placed on what is otherwise a virtuous thing. Spending too much time at work. Being obsessively concerned with one’s health and appearance. Worrying too much about finances. Rather than bringing a couple closer together, they are wedges that drive couples apart. Sometimes violently, but in many cases they cause a husband and wife to grow apart slowly and imperceptibly until they reach a point of no return.
#5. Marrying too soon. Being insufficiently mature.
#6. Marrying too late. Although some believe that it is irresponsible to marry until one has achieved financial independence, it is that very independence that makes an interdependent marriage more difficult to achieve. Marrying later in life, when one is less malleable and more set in his/her ways, makes it harder to make the adjustments a happy and successful marriage requires, and makes it harder to recognize the benefits of sacrificing something good for something better in the context of marriage.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
First, the divorce rate is not currently higher than ever. It has been higher in the past. Unfortunately, the reason the divorce rate is declining is likely because fewer people are marrying, not because fewer married people are choosing not to divorce.
Second, there are some people who simply aren’t able to handle marriage, and there are times when divorce is not only justified, but necessary. But divorce for the sake of escaping chronic domestic violence, death, or crippling mental or emotional cruelty (among other good reasons) is clearly not why roughly half of all marriages end. Avoiding or ending marriage to avoid pain and disappointment makes about as much sense as refusing to drive your car to ensure you don’t get hurt in an accident; there’s more than enough pain and disappointment life holds for all of us, and it cannot be avoided, so denying yourself the benefits of marriage (or the convenience and freedom of driving), even after accounting for the costs, is silly.
Now to answer your question itself: Why is the divorce rate so high? Placing self-interest before the success of the marriage and family. People have started believing for the past couple of generations that marriage is a matter of individual preference and worth. In other words, if I am not happy in my marriage, then the marriage must be worthless, so I am justified in divorcing. This is as foolish as it is pointless.
We’re seeing the effects of disposable marriage on society at large as a result of such a mindset: less happiness (not more), more mental illness, more juvenile delinquency, rising crime rates, rising poverty, the growth of the welfare state to substitute for the nuclear family, etc.
Children (and we were all children once) need a loving mother and a father (yes, I realize that many children succeed in spite of the loss of one parent, but ask them if they are “glad” they didn’t have the benefits of a loving mother and father growing up and they’ll tell you they ache for it even now). Children fare much better in a nuclear family than in any other environment. The nuclear family is the bedrock of an ordered, safe, prosperous society.
Paradoxically, individual happiness depends greatly (though not solely) on caring about and facilitating the happiness of others. And there is no better way to develop a happiness-producing, less selfless routine and character than being a spouse and a parent. This is why, despite marriage and parenthood being so demanding and even at times heartbreaking, loving couples and parents will tell you the blessings and joys outweigh the demands and sacrifices. Marriage and family make us better people, and better people are happier people. So are their kids, and so are their kids friends and families too.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives. — Ginger Wynn. What are your thoughts on this statement?
This statement tries to express a valid point, but it does so in a logically confused way.
The statement “I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives” falsely presumes that divorce will cure or prevent what makes a dysfunctional (or worse) marriage dysfunctional.
Sometimes a marriage is so toxic and harmful as to require termination. In such cases divorce is not only justified, but necessary.
Sometimes the trouble one or both spouses is suffering in a marriage can be remedied by divorce.
Sometimes the trouble a marriage is causing one or both spouses can be remedied by divorce.
But not always.
Sometimes the solution is “mend it, don’t end it”; more often than you’d think the cure for dysfunction and discord in a marriage is staying married and working on improving the marriage, not destroying it.
Far too often I see people divorce in the false belief that their spouses/their marriages are making them miserable only to learn, after the damage is done, that their spouses/their marriages are not the cause(s) of their troubles. They realize that divorcing only compounds their suffering. They consequently become even more miserable.
So here is what I submit is a more accurate statement: It is not bad to get a divorce when you truly have no better alternative.
Don’t divorce unless divorce you need to. Know that “mend it, don’t end it” is not the answer before you seek a divorce.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Can this cause trust issues or commitment issues in the kids’ future relationship? Yes, of course.
How? When the children have witnessed and experienced the destruction of their parents’ relationship—a relationship that is not only part and parcel of their own relationships with those parents, but a relationship that shapes all other relationships between themselves and other people—it has adverse effects. Those adverse effects can—in the even of a separation and/or divorce—(and usually will) include difficulty with trust and commitment in the children’s future relationships.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277