Tag: communication

Why All Communications with Your Former Spouse Should be in Writing By Braxton Mounteer, Legal Assistant.

Even if you trust your former spouse to deal with you honestly and in good faith in any matter pertaining to your divorce, why should you communicate in writing with your ex?
Writing down or recapping your conversations in writing (text and/or email) with your spouse creates a verifiable record. If you later present this to your spouse refer back to the record and avoid confusion, refute false claims, and prove real claims.
So if your ex tries to claim you didn’t give him or her notice of the day, time, and place for Timmy’s baseball game, referring back to that text message or email message will vindicate you. If you need to prove you made a timely request for reimbursement for a child health care or daycare expense, written record is essential.
If there is no record, the event or the claim might as well never have existed. If you can’t prove it exists, it doesn’t in the world of law. Phone calls do not exist. Well, to be fair, you may be able to prove a phone call to place, but not what was discussed during the call. Likewise with in-person communications. All the other person would have to do is to claim that the conversation didn’t happen and then it is your word against another’s. To avoid that, create a written record.
Your former spouse may try to get you to discuss (or worse, to agree to) something “off the record,” as it were, and then use that opportunity to take advantage of you. Avoid the hassle; get it in writing.
Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277
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How To Talk To Your Former Spouse By Braxton Mounteer

Regardless of your feelings towards your ex-spouse, if you have children, you will have to talk or otherwise communicate to your ex (and do so often) about the minor children throughout their minority. While you have minor children, you will need to “deal” with your ex regularly.

As is the case for anyone with whom you have to communicate regularly and frequently, both you and the children benefit from you knowing how to communicate effectively with your ex.

Effective communication with an ex-spouse and co-parent needs to be civil, courteous, and businesslike. Being the reason that communications broke down will only hurt you and the children.

“But,” you may ask, “what do I do if my ex communicates in a combative, falsely accusatory, and/or insulting manner? Isn’t giving as good as I get justified at that point?” Those are two fair and excellent questions. And the answers are clear.

First, record all communications with your ex. “Record” does not mean simply audio recording. “Record” means making a record. A record can take the form of sound, video, and writing. Every conversation you have with your ex should be recorded (even if that means following up on any personal meeting or phone call with an e-mail or text message summarizing what you and your ex discussed). Recording makes false accusations much harder to make. If your ex ever refuses to communicate with you “unless you promise not to record,” that’s indisputable proof that you need to record.

Second, ensure that all of your communications with your ex are conducted in a mature, courteous, clear, and concise manner.

If you stay classy for months or years and then reach your “breaking point” by unloading a torrent of sick burns and other “he/she had it coming” tirades, then all the goodwill you built up to that point is swept away in an instant. If you sink to your combative ex’s level, you will be (and rightfully so) seen by the court as no better than your ex (perhaps seen as even worse). It’s that simple.

It is possible (and highly likely) that the rantings and ravings of your former spouse are a set up. So give yourself a break. Don’t let your antagonistic ex manipulate you into becoming your own worst enemy. Do not rise to your ex’s bait. The last thing that you want is to react inappropriately to your ex’s goading, so that you look like the bad guy.

If you cannot talk in person or over the phone to your spouse without your emotions getting the better of you, communicate in writing. And don’t fight fire with fire. Do not under any circumstances send anything in writing without taking the time to cool off before you hit the “send” button. Make sure your communications do not cause you any self-inflicted wounds.

This does not, however, mean you must be a doormat. You don’t have to be mute in the face of lies and insults. It can be as simple and easy as this:

Your ex:          You clearly have no idea how to meet the educational needs of our children, so you ignore their homework and no-show for parent teacher conferences, just like you’ve always done. It’s what I expect from someone who never went to college. Don’t bother to try helping with homework anymore, and don’t even try to attend parent teacher conferences either. If you are there when I’m there, I’ll call the police.

You:                What you have accused me of is false. I care about our children’s education and their individual needs. I want to ensure their needs are met, and I do my best to meet those needs. I talk with our kids, I consult their teachers. I help with their homework and ensure they complete it when they are with me. One does not have to have gone to college to appreciate the value of an education, and I am no exception. The reason I did not go to the last parent teacher conference is because you gave me the wrong date and time for it (why you did that I do not know). I will be there for next week’s parent teacher conference.

I asked the school if we could attend parent teacher conferences separately, but the school does not allow it, so if we both want to attend (and I do want to attend), we will have to attend together. We can attend together. You cannot prohibit me from attending. All I want to do and will do when I attend is meet with and talk with Ms. Hansen. There is no reason to call the police. The police cannot prevent either of us from attending. Please do not embarrass our children, yourself, Ms. Hansen, the school, or me by calling the police needlessly.

Are there any questions?

Thank you.

Any judge or commissioner who listens to or reads a response like that simply cannot fault you. If anyone ends up getting chewed out or sanctioned by the court in connection with this exchange it won’t be you. Any ex who isn’t smart enough to see who really looks bad in this exchange (and does not change his/her wicked ways in response) is someone who will never figure it out.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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Would the divorce rate drop if the parties had to see a psychologist first?

What do you think would be the rate of divorce in marriages if psychologists were to be consulted in court by couples before proceeding to see the lawyer for divorce?

Your intentions are good, your proposal won’t work. 

Short answer: forcing people to consult a psychologist as a prerequisite to obtaining a divorce would A) likely cause no appreciable reduction in the divorce rate and B) would surely not justify the costs associated with it. 

You appear to base your idea on several false assumptions: 

  • First, that professionals are infallible. They are not. That includes psychologists. Merely consulting a psychologist does not mean you will get competent care or advice from any and all psychologists. And the purpose of psychologists isn’t to talk people in or out of anything anyway, so forcing people to speak with a psychologist with the goal of reducing divorce likely would present some ethical conflicts that would cause many psychologists to balk. 
  • Second, that nary a professional (including psychologists) is motivated by self-interest. Plenty are. Some psychologists know that if they advocate for more psychologist involvement in the court systems, then that means more work for psychologists through the court systems. And so they do and say what they need to do and say to keep the work flowing, regardless of whether they feel that what they do and say is what is needed or warranted. 
  • Third, that most divorces are due to mental illness or other mental or emotional pathologies or disorders. While many divorces can be traced to mental and/or emotional problems in one or both spouses, not every divorce can be. Thus, requiring everyone who files for divorce to consult a psychologist would be a waste of time, money, and resources. 

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277 

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Does a judge contact a client if a law firm is filing to remove themselves from a case?

Does a judge contact a client if a law firm is filing to remove themselves from a case?


A judge is not allowed to communicate with a represented party privately with that party or even with that party’s attorney. So if that represented party’s attorney(s) move(s), to withdraw as that party’s counsel, that party is still represented until the motion for permission to withdraw is granted. That fact prevents the judge from communicating with that party or that party’s attorney directly.

Generally speaking, if a party is proceeding pro se (i.e., representing himself/herself and is not being represented by a lawyer), a judge can communicate with that party, but not without ensuring that the other party (or other party’s attorney, if the party is represented by an attorney) is at least notified of the communication or preferably taking part in the communication at the same time with the judge and the party with whom the judge initiated communication.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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