Tag: divorce prevention

Why do people not complain about people who shouldn’t marry?

Why do people complain about the high divorce rate, but don’t complain about people who shouldn’t marry? 

There will never be an effective, morally acceptable way to prevent the following kinds of people from marrying (and thus reducing the divorce rate): 

  • stupid people; 
  • people suffering from mental, emotional, and/or personality disorders and disabilities who can’t or won’t treat their conditions successfully;
  • hopelessly romantic and/or naive people; and
  • shysters 

But when people bemoan the high divorce rate, they aren’t referring to divorces that can’t be prevented, they are talking about the divorces that can and should be prevented, divorces that aren’t necessary or inevitable.  

Far too many people who would and should benefit from saving their marriage (and who are more than capable of doing so) give up on it far too easily. They wind up regretting the divorce (as well they should). That’s a shame. That’s worth worrying and complaining about.   

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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What are the 3 main issues that lead to divorce these days?

Every time you hear about divorce, what are the 3 main issues that lead to divorce these days? 

I have been a divorce and family law attorney for 26 years. In that time I have spoken to thousands of people about divorce and their reasons for seeking a divorce. While there are many reasons one may need or feel the need to divorce, the “top 3” reasons are, in my experience: 

  1. Broken trust (whether that is caused by infidelity or hiding a substance abuse problem or failing to “pull one’s own weight” in the marriage relationship, etc.) 
  2. Placing self-interest ahead of fostering the marriage partnership (which usually takes the form of expecting your spouse to be perfect and to be solely or primarily responsible for your happiness) 
  3. Immaturity and/or some kind of mental health disorder 

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277 

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Would the divorce rate drop if the parties had to see a psychologist first?

What do you think would be the rate of divorce in marriages if psychologists were to be consulted in court by couples before proceeding to see the lawyer for divorce?

Your intentions are good, your proposal won’t work. 

Short answer: forcing people to consult a psychologist as a prerequisite to obtaining a divorce would A) likely cause no appreciable reduction in the divorce rate and B) would surely not justify the costs associated with it. 

You appear to base your idea on several false assumptions: 

  • First, that professionals are infallible. They are not. That includes psychologists. Merely consulting a psychologist does not mean you will get competent care or advice from any and all psychologists. And the purpose of psychologists isn’t to talk people in or out of anything anyway, so forcing people to speak with a psychologist with the goal of reducing divorce likely would present some ethical conflicts that would cause many psychologists to balk. 
  • Second, that nary a professional (including psychologists) is motivated by self-interest. Plenty are. Some psychologists know that if they advocate for more psychologist involvement in the court systems, then that means more work for psychologists through the court systems. And so they do and say what they need to do and say to keep the work flowing, regardless of whether they feel that what they do and say is what is needed or warranted. 
  • Third, that most divorces are due to mental illness or other mental or emotional pathologies or disorders. While many divorces can be traced to mental and/or emotional problems in one or both spouses, not every divorce can be. Thus, requiring everyone who files for divorce to consult a psychologist would be a waste of time, money, and resources. 

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277 

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True or false: Better to divorce than have a miserable life.

This blog post is in response to this question: 

I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives. — Ginger Wynn. What are your thoughts on this statement? 

This statement tries to express a valid point, but it does so in a logically confused way. 

The statement “I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives” falsely presumes that divorce will cure or prevent what makes a dysfunctional (or worse) marriage dysfunctional.  

Sometimes a marriage is so toxic and harmful as to require termination. In such cases divorce is not only justified, but necessary.  

Sometimes the trouble one or both spouses is suffering in a marriage can be remedied by divorce.  

Sometimes the trouble a marriage is causing one or both spouses can be remedied by divorce.  

But not always.  

Sometimes the solution is “mend it, don’t end it”; more often than you’d think the cure for dysfunction and discord in a marriage is staying married and working on improving the marriage, not destroying it.  

Far too often I see people divorce in the false belief that their spouses/their marriages are making them miserable only to learn, after the damage is done, that their spouses/their marriages are not the cause(s) of their troubles. They realize that divorcing only compounds their suffering. They consequently become even more miserable.  

So here is what I submit is a more accurate statement: It is not bad to get a divorce when you truly have no better alternative.  

Don’t divorce unless divorce you need to. Know that “mend it, don’t end it” is not the answer before you seek a divorce.  

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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Is it common in a marriage for me to be cleaning up after my husband?

Many men who, if their mothers were homemakers, understandably believe that one of a wife’s duties is housekeeping and cleaning up after her family members.

Fewer women are homemakers now, but men my age often had mothers who did the housekeeping, housecleaning, and laundry, and so it’s not absurd for such a man to believe “that’s just what wives do,” just as it’s not uncommon for many women who, after they marry, believe that the husband earning all the money is “just what husbands do.”

If the family you and your husband have formed is different, because you may both work or because you are the primary earner and your husband spends more time in the home, then you have various options (some clearly better than others):

  1. suck it up and wait on your husband hand and foot, as he is accustomed and as he believes he is entitled;
  2. complain incessantly about how unfair your husband is treating you by being a slob in the hope he will change;
  3. discuss with your husband the fact that you did not marry him to become his domestic servant and that because of the dynamics of the family, you will both have to share in the housekeeping;
  4. divorce him, if his slobbery outweighs his other merits as a husband;
  5. hire a housekeeper.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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