Tag: forgive

Would you divorce if your spouse had a child before marriage without telling you?

Would you divorce your husband if he had a child with his last relationship without telling you?

I do not believe that this would, alone, be reason to divorce your husband. He may be a good man who was a scared, confused kid back when he kept this from you. He may have matured since then. He may just have not known how to level with you (or perhaps wondered—albeit wrongly—whether he should).

If he has come to regret keeping you in the dark, if you believe that, and if he has come clean and promised that there are no other skeletons in his closet, he may be a better man for it. It may well be that he is “worth” forgiving and not worth breaking up a marriage/family over it.

If discovering his illegitimate child is just the latest in a series of other embarrassing/concerning facts that further reveal and confirm him as a) someone you did not believe him to be and b) as someone who cannot be trusted to deal with you honestly, then this latest disclosure may the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. You may be more than justified in divorcing him; not because he has a child, but because he keeps secrets from you, because you simply cannot take further risks of being deceived such that you and/or your family will be victimized as a result.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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Should I be nice to my spouse during a divorce?

That depends on what you mean by “nice”.

Do you mean “with kindness”? Not necessarily kindness, but certainly decency. You are morally obligated to treat your spouse with decency, but you don’t have to go out of your way to make the spouse you are divorcing happy. You don’t have to capitulate to your spouse’s unfair or unreasonable demands.

Do you mean “with honesty and fairness”? If so, then yes: you are morally obligated to be honest and fair with everyone, but again aren’t obligated to capitulate to your spouse’s unfair or unreasonable demands, nor are you in any way obligated to tolerate being treated unfairly by your spouse.

Do you mean “forgiving”? If so, then yes: you are morally obligated to forgive your spouse for the wrong’s he/she did you, but forgiveness does not mean “acceptance”. Forgiving the people who have deceived or betrayed me in the past does not require me to trust them in the future. I forgive them so that I don’t dwell on the hurt done to me, so that I don’t let the injury continue to harm me, so that the one who did me wrong is shown the mercy needed to give him/her the best opportunity to change for the better without eternal regret or shame hampering the repentance process.

Fighting fire with fire will only intensify the pain and misery. Being the better man (or woman, as the case may be), living up to your virtuous values and standards of conduct is the only way to move on with peace and happiness (and you can get back there). Easier said than done, yes, but the only way.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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Hypothetically speaking, would you divorce over adultery, if you have kids?

Not simply because of an affair, no.

It is certainly understandable if one desires to divorce a spouse who has committed adultery. The law understands this as well, which is why adultery is grounds for divorce in every state in this country.

But neither the law nor the Judeo-Christian religions mandate divorce in the event of adultery. Even most areligious people agree that adultery does not necessitate divorce. Indeed, public policy, every religious creed I know of, and the mental health care community discourage divorce generally, even if there may be a “fault” basis for divorce. Why might that be?

Adultery will almost always shake the innocent spouse’s trust in the adulterer. Adultery can so deeply hurt and anger the innocent spouse as to make him or her feel that forgiveness is impossible.

Some adulterers are unrepentant. They are therefore impossible to trust. Worse, their promiscuity poses a literal threat to the health and life of the innocent spouse. Their chronic infidelity raises the realistic specter of abandonment of the innocent spouse and children, if there are any. Clearly, there are situations in which adultery may be reason enough for divorce.

Almost every divorce, however, will harm children. Even the end of a dysfunctional marriage leaves children feeling unmoored, betrayed, rejected, and insecure. Sometimes a divorce is necessary for the children’s immediate and long-term safety and well-being (both physical and emotional), even if it is painful and traumatic for them.

One of the incalculably priceless benefits of marriage is having a family because children help to strip a husband and wife of many vices they might not otherwise have chosen to give up. The choice to be a parent is a choice to make sacrifices that ultimately create—by an order of magnitude—a more meaningful, worthwhile life.

When you commit to being a good parent, you inherently commit to becoming a far better person generally. Committing to being a good parent necessarily requires committing to being a better spouse. These facts give new and deeper meaning to the phrase “staying together for the sake of the children.” If a husband and wife find it difficult to overcome the effects of adultery on themselves, they may discover that staying together for the sake of, for the love of, for the protection of and for the benefit of their children will reveal to them why and how they can and should repent, forgive, and recommit to each other.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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