Tag: households

Divorce and Identity, by Braxton Mounteer.

Divorce is corrosive. What it does not destroy it almost always affects adversely whatever it touches. The things that survive divorce’s initial devastation are forever changed. This effect is seen most starkly in children. Regardless of your reasons for a divorce, it fundamentally changes the trajectory of a child’s life. In my own experience I can tell you what happens to a child whose parents went through a pretty amicable divorce when I was about 6 years old. This is the story for many children and isn’t all that special. Thankfully for me and my siblings, my parents didn’t have much to fight over by way of property. Most of the contention was over alimony and child support. I did not notice much change in my life initially after the divorce decree was issued. I hadn’t worn much of a path in my own mind or in my own life yet. Being a young child of divorce meant living out of a suitcase as I moved between mom’s house and dad’s house for visitation (which is now called parent-time). As I reached my teenage years, I found that divorce had made me into two different people. I am not talking about a dissociative identity. I am talking about two different paths divorce placed me on. I wore different clothes and used different toothbrushes and combs when with each parent, I had different friends in different neighborhoods, and ate different things depending which house I found myself at on a given day. That wasn’t inherently bad. I still had the same ups and downs most teenagers have; I, however, always had two sets. You probably don’t see the problem at this point. So, what if you had two of everything? ‘Better than none, right? But I was two subtly different people at a time when I was still trying to figure out who I was. It is hard enough coming to terms with one idea of your identity as a teen, let alone two. It was confusing. It was exhausting. It hurt sometimes. It didn’t seem fair. I wish I knew then what I know now. If you are a child in this situation, which path do you choose? If you are a parent, how do you help? My parents supported me but largely let me figure it out on my own. As for a child dealing with this problem, I can offer my advice based upon my own experience and perspective. You have to be one person, not who you believe your parents want, or, in some cases who one or both parents act like they need you to be. You do not have two lifetimes to live. You owe your parents respect. You need to obey their rules, but you have no obligation to be anyone but yourself. Be your best self too, even in the face of life’s disappointments, challenges, and betrayals. You owe it to yourself.

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