Tag: hurt

If I start crying in court, will that help my case?

If I start crying in court, will that help my case?

This is a good question. An old and frequently asked question, but still a good question.

The answer is: maybe, but I wouldn’t risk it. Why?

Four reasons:

1) Lying is wrong. I hate lying, insincerity, weasel words, and B.S. Family law cases are awash in all of it. Judges know this. They witness it every day. Every single day without respite. They come to expect to be lied to. They thus often believe they’re being lied to even when you’re telling them them the truth. They can’t be blamed for feeling this way. If anyone believes that lying his/her way to success in court is a winning formula, then he/she deserves to lose, and I hope he/she does lose. Lying in court ruins it for everyone who is telling the truth.

2) Sometimes crying works, sometimes it doesn’t. It depends on your “audience”. Some judges are just plain suckers for the weeping and the waterworks. They subscribe to the “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth” (Benjamin Disraeli) school of thought. Other judges take offense at crying, feeling as though you are trying to exploit their emotions, to play upon their sympathy. These are the judges who see crying the way Jean Giraudoux did (“The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.”

Yes, sometimes crying works, but most of the time everyone in the room sees it—clearly and unequivocally—for what it is: fake. Most crying in family law court is fake (not all, but most). Therefore, even if you show genuine emotion in court, odds are that the court will believe you’re faking it. Crying is a gamble with worse than even odds. Even if your emotion is genuine, odds are your judge will perceive it as feigned. Don’t cry in court, if you can help it.

3) Most people aren’t convincing actors, and their staged crying is pretty easy to spot. Not a judge on earth likes being manipulated or played, so when confronted with crying, they err on the side of disbelief. I rarely see crying work in court.

4) If self-interest, rather than truth, is your guiding principle, then don’t fake the crying because the odds of success are too slim to warrant the risk.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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Should I be nice to my spouse during a divorce?

That depends on what you mean by “nice”.

Do you mean “with kindness”? Not necessarily kindness, but certainly decency. You are morally obligated to treat your spouse with decency, but you don’t have to go out of your way to make the spouse you are divorcing happy. You don’t have to capitulate to your spouse’s unfair or unreasonable demands.

Do you mean “with honesty and fairness”? If so, then yes: you are morally obligated to be honest and fair with everyone, but again aren’t obligated to capitulate to your spouse’s unfair or unreasonable demands, nor are you in any way obligated to tolerate being treated unfairly by your spouse.

Do you mean “forgiving”? If so, then yes: you are morally obligated to forgive your spouse for the wrong’s he/she did you, but forgiveness does not mean “acceptance”. Forgiving the people who have deceived or betrayed me in the past does not require me to trust them in the future. I forgive them so that I don’t dwell on the hurt done to me, so that I don’t let the injury continue to harm me, so that the one who did me wrong is shown the mercy needed to give him/her the best opportunity to change for the better without eternal regret or shame hampering the repentance process.

Fighting fire with fire will only intensify the pain and misery. Being the better man (or woman, as the case may be), living up to your virtuous values and standards of conduct is the only way to move on with peace and happiness (and you can get back there). Easier said than done, yes, but the only way.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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