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Tag: necessity

Does it take time to move on after a midlife divorce?

For most people, generally yes. However one may define “move on,” the longer one is married (especially when the couple has lived together for the duration of the marriage and has had children), a divorce is a major upheaval in one’s life. Divorce after a long marriage brings with it changes in your life you may have expected, but many changes that you did not. With extraordinarily rare exception, there are adjustments to be made, it takes time to process its occurrence and effects. Some people are surprised to find out how hard it is to confront and adjust to divorce. 

A long but miserable marriage is one to which most people make many and many shocking subconscious accommodations. Like an addict, they suffer “withdrawal symptoms” as they detoxify, going through periods of doubt, regret, loss, grief, etc., even when they know in their heads that the divorce is the part of the “treatment,” some of the “medicine” they need to be healthy and whole again. 

Many people who divorce after a long marriage may be shocked to learn that their spouses and/or marriages were not the source or an aggravating factor regarding the malaise, dissatisfaction, or depression they are experiencing. It’s gut wrenchingly tragic when people divorce in the false/mistaken belief that divorce is the cure when their loving, supportive spouses were one of the best, if not the best, things they had going them. Fortunately, even those who foolishly, needlessly divorce can recover. Some people are fortunate enough to remarry their ex-spouse. Regardless, we all make mistakes in this life. Some big, some minor. But most are not wholly irreparable, thank goodness. Divorce need not be an exception. 

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277  

https://www.quora.com/Does-it-take-time-to-move-on-after-a-midlife-divorce/answer/Eric-Johnson-311  

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True or false: Better to divorce than have a miserable life.

This blog post is in response to this question: 

I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives. — Ginger Wynn. What are your thoughts on this statement? 

This statement tries to express a valid point, but it does so in a logically confused way. 

The statement “I don’t think it’s bad to get a divorce. I think it’s more unhealthy to have miserable lives” falsely presumes that divorce will cure or prevent what makes a dysfunctional (or worse) marriage dysfunctional.  

Sometimes a marriage is so toxic and harmful as to require termination. In such cases divorce is not only justified, but necessary.  

Sometimes the trouble one or both spouses is suffering in a marriage can be remedied by divorce.  

Sometimes the trouble a marriage is causing one or both spouses can be remedied by divorce.  

But not always.  

Sometimes the solution is “mend it, don’t end it”; more often than you’d think the cure for dysfunction and discord in a marriage is staying married and working on improving the marriage, not destroying it.  

Far too often I see people divorce in the false belief that their spouses/their marriages are making them miserable only to learn, after the damage is done, that their spouses/their marriages are not the cause(s) of their troubles. They realize that divorcing only compounds their suffering. They consequently become even more miserable.  

So here is what I submit is a more accurate statement: It is not bad to get a divorce when you truly have no better alternative.  

Don’t divorce unless divorce you need to. Know that “mend it, don’t end it” is not the answer before you seek a divorce.  

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277

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What if you don’t get divorced and just move away?

What if you don’t get divorced and just move away?

The risks and dangers in just up and moving away from (abandoning) your spouse are manifold. Here are a few that come to mind:

  • If you disappear and your spouse files for divorce and you cannot be found to be served with a copy of 1) the summons and 2) complaint for divorce, you could have default judgment entered against you without your knowledge and without you having appeared in the action to defend yourself.
    • you may lose most or all of the marital assets (even your premarital assets) by having them awarded to your spouse;
    • you may be ordered to pay most or all of the marital debts and obligations; and
    • you may be ordered to pay unfair amounts of child and/or spousal support
  • You are still responsible to care for your spouse, which means (at least in the jurisdiction where I practice divorce and family law) that if your spouse incurs debts and obligations for what are known as “necessaries”:

Morrison v. Federico, 232 P.2d 374 (Utah 1951):

The statute making “expenses of the family” chargeable upon the property of both spouses and permitting them to be sued jointly and separately, places liability upon both parties only where expenses incurred are necessary for the family benefit including expenditures proper to support the family and necessary to promote the well-being of its members and does not include attorney’s fees for legal services performed in a contemplated divorce action where reconciliation occurs.

  • 30-2-9. Family expenses–Joint and several liability:

(1) The expenses of the family and the education of the children are chargeable upon the property of both spouses or of either of them separately, for which expenses they may be sued jointly or separately.

(2) For the expenses described in Subsection (1), where there is a written agreement signed by either spouse that allows for the recovery of agreed upon amounts, a creditor or an assignee or successor in interest of the creditor is entitled to recover the contractually allowed amounts against both spouses, jointly and severally.

(3) Subsection (2) applies to all contracts and agreements under this section entered into by either spouse during the time the parties are married and living together.

(4) For the purposes of this section, family expenses are considered expenses incurred that benefit and promote the family unit. Items purchased pursuant to a written contract or agreement during the marriage that do not relate to family expenses are not covered by this section.

(5) The provisions of Subsections (2) and (3) do not create a right to attorney’s fees or collection fees as to the nonsigning spouse for purchases of:

(a) food or clothing; or

(b) home improvements or repairs over $5,000.

——————

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277

https://www.quora.com/What-if-you-don-t-get-divorced-and-just-move-away/answer/Eric-Johnson-311

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