Teenager Child (16) refuses to see me after spending a month with my ex. I have 50% custody. What can I do about it? I’m a stricter parent unlike my ex who lets him play computer games all day and night.
Each jurisdiction may have different laws and rules governing a situation like yours, but I will answer your question as it applies to the state of Utah in my experience as a divorce and family lawyer.
Many people believe that at a certain age a minor child has the “right” in Utah to choose with which parent he/she will reside. Not true. Unless a court orders that a minor child has such a right, no such legal right independently exists.
But then there’s life in the real world, which shows us just how far a court’s power to enforce a child custody award order reaches. As a practical matter, if a child is big and strong and strong-willed enough to refuse to comply with the child custody order, there is little a court can do or will do to compel a child to comply.
Thus, trying to enforce a child custody and parent-time award by enlisting the help of the court is usually fruitless.
It’s maddening when a child is too young and immature to understand that living with the irresponsible, excessively permissive, and/or absentee parent is doing that child more harm than good. Unfortunately, unless the child does something or some things bad enough to land him/her in juvenile detention, a court can’t really force the child to live anywhere.
As I stated in answer to a question similar to yours: some courts try to get creative and impose sanctions on a noncompliant child by essentially ordering them “grounded”, but again, if the child chooses not to comply, there is little the court can do or feels is wise to do to the child. I’ve seen a court try to get a child to comply by ordering her barred from participating in her beloved dance classes and driver education courses (so that she can’t get her driver license unless she lives with the court ordered custodial parent) as long as the child refused to live with the court-ordered custodial parent. In that case, however, the child outlasted the court, i.e., she kept living with the noncustodial parent and stopped attending dance and driver’s ed. classes. Then the court found itself in the awkward position of preventing the child from getting exercise and driving to and from her job and other worthwhile, even necessary activities, so the court relented (both in the best interest of the child and to save face). This is a lesson that most courts learn when they try to use the coercive powers of the court against children to enforce child custody orders.
Besides, even if you could force a child to live with you or spend time with you as court-ordered, a child who is forced to do much of anything is only going to resent it and resent you for making him/her do it.
The only viable option you have is to be the most effective parent you can. That doesn’t mean abandoning good parental practices, but it may mean adjusting your approach from a “good” and “reasonable” one to an approach that entails necessary parental care and supervision that fosters love and affection, an approach that still holds children accountable, without estranging them.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277\
What will happen if the court ruled in favor of a mother to have the custody of her child but the child refuses to go with her and she prefers to stay with the father?
This situation (and this question) comes up a lot. I will answer the question as it applies in my experience to the jurisdiction where I practice divorce and family law (Utah).
SHORT ANSWER: The general rule of thumb is that if the child is a teenager and has the guts and the will to defy the court’s custody orders, then that child is going to live with the parent with whom he or she wants to live because the court is essentially powerless to force the child to comply with the child custody order, i.e., the court finds it more trouble than it is worth to enforce a child custody order against a defiant teen.
LONGER ANSWER:
Technically, the child has no choice in the matter, once the court has issued its child custody ruling and resulting orders. In other words, just because somebody doesn’t want to follow court orders doesn’t mean that he or she is free to disregard them or to act as a law unto himself or herself. This proves to be true of court orders pertaining to adults. Child custody orders, and the children affected by them, however, are in reality a different matter.
In the law we have two terms that help to describe the situation: de jure and de facto. De jure means that which is which applies as a matter of law. For example, as a matter of law, your child is ordered to spend most of his/her time in the custody of mother, with the father spending time the child on alternating weekends and a few odd holidays. De facto means that which is or that which applies as a matter of fact (in reality, and not as the court may artificially require). So while as a matter of law your child is required to live with mother, if in reality (as a matter of “fact”—this is where the “facto” in “de facto” comes from) the child refuses to live with mother and stays at the father’s house, that is the de facto child custody situation.
When A) the de jure and de facto situations conflict in a child custody situation, and B) the child is old enough, strong enough, and willful enough to continue to the court’s custody orders, the court often (not always, but usually) feels that they are practicably powerless to force children to live with a parent with whom they do not wish to live.
Normally, when an adult will not comply with the court’s order, One of the tools a court can use to enforce compliance is its contempt powers. Those powers include finding and jailing the noncompliant person. But with children, that power is, for all intents and purposes, nonexistent. Children usually have no money with which to pay a fine, and Utah does not allow courts to jail minors for mere contempt of court.
Some courts try to get creative and impose sanctions on a noncompliant child by essentially ordering them “grounded”, but again, if the child chooses not to comply, there is little the court can do or feels is wise to do to the child. I’ve seen a court try to get a child to comply by ordering her barred from participating in her beloved dance classes and driver education courses (so that she can’t get her driver license unless she lives with the court ordered custodial parent) as long as the child refused to live with the court-ordered custodial parent. In that case, however, the child outlasted the court, i.e., she kept living with the noncustodial parent and stopped attending dance and driver’s ed. classes. Then the court found itself in the awkward position of preventing the child from getting exercise and driving to and from her job and other worthwhile, even necessary activities, so the court relented (both in the best interest of the child and to save face). This is a lesson that most courts learn when they try to use the coercive powers of the court against children to enforce child custody orders.
Courts don’t want to dedicate their own resources and law enforcement resources to 1) literally dragging a child out of one parent’s home and literally stuffing the child into some other home; and 2) doing so repeatedly when the child refuses to stay put. It’s a waste of law enforcement resources and the fear is the child will eventually run away (and act out in other self-destructive and dangerous ways), if not allowed to live with the parent of his/her choosing.
And courts don’t want to punish a parent for the misconduct of a child. Some courts have tried to punish noncustodial parent by holding them responsible for their children’s noncompliance with the court orders, but that doesn’t work when the noncustodial parent truly isn’t at fault. Courts realize that a noncustodial parent cannot simply, for example, 1) push the child out the door, lock it behind the child, and wish the child well in subzero degree weather; or 2) manhandle the child into the custodial parent’s car, then be charged with child abuse. And punishing the noncustodial parent often only serves to lead the child to be more determined to defy court orders.
As you can imagine, a child’s “power” to choose where he/she lives usually does not arise until the child is old enough and strong enough and willful enough to exercise some degree of autonomy over which parent with whom he/she lives. That doesn’t usually happen until children reach approximately the age of 12 or 14, although some children may start younger. Children under that age are typically unable or too afraid to exert their own preferences and wills.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
Law from a legal assistant’s point of view, week 18: Financial Declarations and Initial Disclosures
By Quinton Lister, legal assistant
My minimal exposure to the legal profession as a legal assistant to a divorce attorney has given me the opportunity to learn about financial declarations and initial disclosures. These forms are necessary for any party going through the process of litigation for a divorce, and they are straightforward as to what they require.
The financial declaration is a statement of income, expenses, debts, assets, and financial accounts for each party to a divorce action.
One’s initial disclosures form identifies people with information relevant to the case, the potential witnesses, and documents and other physical evidence a party asserts supports his/her case.
Completing the financial declaration and initial disclosures forms completely and correctly, along with gathering all the necessary supporting documentation, is a time-consuming process. With rare exception, divorce litigants do not want to prepare these forms. I know this because anyone I have tried to help through this process always fails to complete the forms and/or complains about the work that needs to be done on these forms. I get it, but what the clients often don’t seem to get is that your financial declaration and initial disclosures are not optional. Court rule require both you and your spouse to fill them out, fill them out correctly, and fill them out fully. Failing to do so can result in the court penalizing you and/or making erroneous rulings based upon incorrect and/or incomplete forms.
I am not a lawyer and thus cannot give any legal advice, but as someone who has taken part in the process of helping clients prepare their financial declarations and initial disclosures, I can see that preparing these forms completely, accurately, and on time greatly benefits you and your lawyer, saving you both time and frustration, as well as sparing you grief, on the back end.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
I have custody of my child. He left to go to his mom’s last Friday for the weekend. He is refusing to come home because he wants to live there. What happens now?
I will answer this question in the context of my experience as a lawyer in the jurisdiction where I practice divorce and family law, which is Utah.
And that answer is: realistically speaking, probably nothing.
As a divorce and family law attorney, I have been on both sides of this issue, meaning I’ve represented the parent with custody of the child who won’t come back, and I’ve also represented the noncustodial parent to whose house the child has “fled” and won’t leave.
This is a weird area of Utah law because you’ll hear the legislature and the courts tell you that children don’t get to choose where they live, and then when children do that very thing (i.e., refuse to live where the court orders them to live), the courts find themselves essentially powerless to change anything. At least that’s my experience over the 24 years I’ve been in practice.
Briefly, if the children are old enough that they cannot be physically controlled by a parent and forced into a car from the noncustodial parents house back to the custodial parent’s house, then the courts are usually not going to intervene. This means that a court will, in fairness and realistically, tell the parents that pragmatically there’s really nothing that they ought to do to enforce the child custody order if the child himself or herself is old enough to put up a fight and/or call the police and/or DCFS and report you for child abuse if you try to force them into the car to go back to the custodial parent’s house. Besides, the child who is old enough to put up a fight is also likely old enough to run away from the noncustodial parents home if anyone tries to force him or her to reside with a parent with whom the child doesn’t want to live.
And so, you get in a situation where the child is disobeying the court’s custody order, but most courts either don’t have the cats to hold the child in contempt of court or don’t feel it is appropriate to sanction a child who won’t comply with the court’s child custody orders. Yet these same courts will also often refuse to modify the child custody award because they don’t want to acknowledge that children, of all people, have the de facto power to defy court orders with impunity.
Next, you need to be aware of the possibility that your custodial parent ex will try to blame you for your child refusing to return to the custodial parent’s home, regardless of whether that is true. Many times, a perfectly innocent noncustodial parent will tell his or her acts and the court, “Look, I’ve told the child what the court order is and that both our and I are expected to comply. But the child refuses to comply anyway. Now what you want me to do? Kick the child out and lock the door behind him?” Some courts sympathize with that predicament, others don’t buy it. Which means it is entirely possible that you would be held in contempt of court for doing absolutely nothing wrong, if the court believes you enticed or coheirs the child to say he or she wants to stay with you. So you need to keep that in mind.
So if you are a noncustodial parent of a child who refuses to reside with the court ordered custodial parent, then you must ask yourself a few questions:
First, if the child refusing to live with the custodial parent because the child is a spoiled brat who has no legitimate reason for refusing to live with the custodial parent? If the answer is yes, then you as the noncustodial parent have both a legal and moral obligation to talk the child into going back to the custodial parent’s home, or if persuasion doesn’t work, imposing limitations and restrictions and punishments upon the child so that the child won’t get the impression that he or she is in charge.
Second, if the child is refusing to reside with the custodial parent because the custodial parent is truly neglectful and/or abusive, and if you have independently verifiable proof of this, you have the option of petitioning the court to modify the child custody award, changing the custodial parent from your ex to you. While that petition is pending, your child may refuse to return to the custodial parent’s home, and for reasons at least you and the child know to be valid. Whether the court allows your child to stay with you depends upon how your court views the situation and what is best for the child.
If you find yourself in this kind of situation, whether you are the custodial parent or the noncustodial parent, this is one of those situations where you need to seek good legal advice immediately, to help ensure that neither you nor the child is victimized.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
If a parent exceeds parent-time by an hour or so, what can I do? Our custody order provides that child visitation is 11a.m. – 4p.m.My ex and I agreed by e-mail to change it to 10a.m. to 3p.m.But now my ex picks up at 10 and returns the child at 4p.m. instead of 3p.m., Is there no recourse since the order says 4pm despite their agreement?
Great question.
If you were to take this problem to court for the judge to resolve, odds are that the hearing would unfold something like this and that the judge would do something like this:
Argument from parents:
Parent 1 “The custody order says child visitation is 11 a.m.-4 p.m. Parent 2 asked to make it 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., and I agreed, but now Parent 2 picks up at 11 a.m. and brings the kids back at 4 p.m. I want Parent 2 held in contempt of court!”
Parent 2 “Parent 1 lies! It’s true that Parent 2 and I agreed to change visitation start and end times from 11 and 4 to 10 and 3, but I always bring the kids back by 3 p.m. Sometimes I may run into a traffic jam or something that causes me to run a little late, but I’m not trying to ‘steal’ an extra hour. I am outraged!”
Judge’s decision:
“Well, you both can’t be telling the truth, but it’s impossible for me to know which of you is lying. So, unless and until one of you has independently verifiable proof to support his/her argument, I am not going to reward one of you or punish the other on such a dearth of evidence and shaky evidence at that. Now both of you obey court orders. If there is a problem with Parent 2 going an extra hour over the court-ordered visitation period, and if Parent 1 has a problem with that, then Parent 1 may want to consider keeping a photographic or videographic log of pick up and return times to document the problem and provide the court with proof. If Parent 2 is being falsely accused, then Parent 2 may also want to consider keeping a photographic or videographic log of pick up and return times and a log of photos or videos showing that if and when Parent 2 is late it’s because of traffic jams or other things beyond Parent 2’s control.
What happens if a non-custodial parent habitually brings a son back days late from a visitation, resulting in unexcused absences from school (kindergarten)? Am I responsible for the truancy? The school district/truancy officer can’t offer any advice.
What happens (present tense)? Or do you really mean to ask: how do I ensure that the noncustodial parent gets his/her comeuppance for habitually bringing our son back days late from visitation, resulting in unexcused absences from school?
And then are you also curious as to whether you bear any legal responsible for the truancy?
If so, then here are my opinions (this is based upon Utah law, as I practice law in Utah):
For reasons I understand but cannot condone, as a general principle courts are ludicrously lenient with parents who disobey court orders. If you want the noncustodial parent to be held accountable and want to do that through the courts, good luck, and here’s how you do it: file a motion for an order from the court commanding the noncustodial parent to come to court and show cause as to why the noncustodial parent should not be held in contempt of court for noncompliance and then fined, jailed, and otherwise sanctioned for the noncompliance. Don’t expect the court to hold the noncustodial parent accountable the first time you persuade the court that the noncustodial parent is in contempt. Courts often adopt a “2 or 3 strikes and your out” policy before they are actually punished with fines, jail, etc.
Responsibility for truancy. A parent of a school-age child can be convicted of a class B misdemeanor for intentionally or recklessly: (i) failing to meet with the designated school authorities to discuss the child’s school attendance problems; or (ii) failing to prevent the child from being absent without a valid excuse five or more times during the remainder of the school year. The Utah Code does not define what a “valid excuse” is, but I would bet (and hope) that as long as you make the reasonable effort to remind the noncustodial parent of his/her obligation to bring the child back to you in time for you to take the child to school, then the noncustodial parent failing to bring the child back in time for you to take the child to school would constitute a valid excuse.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277