Tag: perception

Which is more likely to cause a marriage to end in divorce – too much money, or not enough?

Which is more likely to cause your marriage to end in divorce – too much money, or not enough?

The perception of not enough money.

With, perhaps, the rare exception of a couple in which one of the spouse’s is totally disabled, there is almost never not enough money to sustain a marriage or family.

A married couple can almost always live more cheaply together than they could apart, so when a couple (and their children, if there are children) is dangerously poor and one of them accurately blames the other for their plight, it is because one of them is not pulling his/her weight.

When a couple’s/family’s income is sufficient to meet their needs, then if the marriage breaks up over “not enough money” it could be because 1) both spouses mismanage their money; 2) one of the two spouses mismanages the money; 3) one of the two spouses has an unrealistic view of how the money should be spent.

When a couple’s income is more than sufficient to meet their needs, then if the marriage breaks up over “not enough money” it is usually because at least one of the spouses has a problem that he/she/they believe(s) spending money will cure or numb. The divorce arises when either:

  • the overspending leads to insolvency (this is when people start buying expensive vehicles and other items on credit, gamble, and otherwise live beyond their means in the hope
  • that getting all the fancy stuff will ease the pain. It’s a very easy trap to fall into); or
  • even though there is still plenty of money to meet their needs and them some, one or both spouses realize(s) that “there ain’t enough money in this world that could keep us together.” In other words, in such a situation the problem isn’t too much (or too little) money.

Precious few of us will ever have more money than we know what to do with. So know that if money is a concern in your marriage, you’re in good company.

If Uncle Eric may offer his brief statement of a remedy to most (not all, but most) marriages that struggle over money issues:

  • you need to take “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish” seriously. You need to make your marriage more important than either of you alone (because it is). You need to consider every dollar of each of your earnings “ours” (legally it is—your spouse owns with you everything you earn and vice versa) and each of you needs to view spending the marital income wisely as a solemn duty to the other.
  • You need to live within your means (for many couples setting and sticking to a budget is all the marriage therapy they needed).
  • You need to make spending decisions on most things jointly (each of you must have a little money to spend as you choose, but major purchases need to be jointly made).
  • You can’t have secrets from each other when it comes to income and spending money.
  • You need to save a portion of your income for emergencies and for future needs and wants.

Do these things with a sincere heart (even when it’s tempting not to do them) and your marriage will not break up over money.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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Why are divorce attorneys so expensive?

Why are divorce attorneys so expensive?

Because we divorce lawyers (I am a divorce lawyer) generally disappoint the people they serve. Some causes of the disappointment are the lawyer’s fault, some causes are the client’s fault.

Lawyers disappoint so easily because (and in no particular order): A) being a divorce lawyer is largely a thankless job; B) many divorce lawyers are money-grubbing opportunists; and C) virtually everything about the divorce process is miserable and so much of the misery is beyond one’s control to stop or mitigate.

Given all that, is it any wonder a divorce lawyer’s fees usually feel so expensive?

You’ll spend $30,000 for a car without much complaining because that car is so worth it! The car means you get to work safe and warm and dry in the winter and cool and comfortable in the summer. The car means freedom and fun. Sure, you paid $30,000 for the car, and sure, you have get it serviced and make sacrifices of time and other purchases to afford the car, but you got way more than $30,000 worth of benefit from that car. That car wasn’t expensive compared to the utility and joy it brings.

But spend $30,000 on a divorce and what do you have to show for it? Not much you can touch (indeed, you probably end up with less than you started), enjoy, appreciate, or use. The sacrifices you made to get divorced often feel as though they were made in vain. That’s not fair to lawyers who do a good job, but it’s understandable for clients to feel like their divorce lawyers really just made the best of a bad situation.

That’s usually why divorce attorneys are (perceived as) so expensive.

Utah Family Law, LC | | call us for an appointment at 801-466-9277

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How to Avoid the Primrose Path in Divorce (if you have the will and the guts)

How to Avoid the Primrose Path in Divorce (if you have the will and the guts)

It’s getting harder to stay in contact with reality.

You have men who, as they look in the mirror, claim they are women.

Banks telling you debt buys happiness.

Weight Watchers telling you that you can eat what you want and still lose weight.

Politicians telling you . . . well, you get the idea.

Virtually everyone who wants your attention or support or money is trying to get it by manipulating your perceptions.

This is no accident.

Get them to believe it! It’s essentially downhill from there.

Divorce lawyers are, for the most part, already quite skilled at manipulation, so many of them (I’d even say most of them) have no qualms manipulating your perceptions to get you as a client.

Persuading the masses by manipulation and deceit is easier than selling honestly.

And while it is wrong to deceive people, if you are deceived it is primarily your fault.

Most of your perceptions cannot be manipulated, unless you allow it. How?

  • Badges and “awards” that lawyers literally buy from vendors who are in the business of selling attorney’s fake awards and certifications
  • Glowing reviews that are fake
  • “Personal stories” of trial and triumph that are heavy on fiction and “my passion,” but light on fact and truth
  • Promises that are technically not promises, so you can’t hold anyone to them

It’s easier for lawyers to sell the illusion than it is for them to be the genuine article. All it takes is people who would rather believe what they see and hear than research and analyze.

Some of the easiest ways to manipulate you are: play upon your fears, your anger/vengeance, your greed, your laziness, your vanity, and your ignorance. This is how many ambitious divorce attorneys now get clients. Sell what sells!

  • Ignorance: “Free consultation! Call me!”
  • Fear: “Don’t lose your [children, house, retirement funds, etc.] in divorce! Call me!”
  • Vengeance: “Make that S.O.B. pay for abusing you. Call me!”
  • Greed: “Get all the money/Save all the money you want deserve. Call me!”
  • Laziness: “Affordable. Call me!”
  • Vanity: “We care. Call me!”

Suckers, being suckers, suck this stuff up. It feels so good, compared to reality. But just scratch the surface—if you dare—and it will reveal this stuff for the scam that it is.

The reality is that honesty doesn’t sell quickly, so in an age of information overload and short attention spans, some lawyers feel they can afford to be honest about what they sell.

But here’s the reality of hiring a divorce lawyer:
  • Being told you need courage and patience doesn’t sell, but courage and patience are essential when you’re involved in a divorce case.
  • Staying cool is hard, but the consequences of acting on anger and/or fear are harder.
  • The lesson of greed is: pigs get fed, hogs get slaughtered.
  • Be prepared to have your ego bruised almost to death in a divorce case. Your view of what’s fair will likely be very different from your judge’s view. If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.
  • There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Garbage in, garbage out. You get what you pay for, period.

Utah Family Law, LC | | 801-466-9277

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